Last week, my 10 year-old step-son Matthew and I were discussing my life’s journey and how, with God’s help, some determination, and a lot of hard work (and a dash of luck), I was able to go from being a farm girl who lived down a washboard dirt road in rural Bradentucky to an attorney in metropolitan Orlando. I told him about the field trip I took to the county courthouse when I was 8 years old and how it sparked my interest in the law, how I got my first job as a high-school part-timer at my local prosecutor’s office, how I put myself through college and law school, and how I returned to my home town for a short time to work as a prosecutor before taking the leap into a federal clerkship and the law firm practice that followed. My intent in telling Matthew this story was to encourage him to follow his dreams. I then asked Matthew what he wants to be when he grows up, and that’s when our conversation took a more serious turn. “I am going to be an Olympian,” Matthew declared matter-of-factly. My response was something like, “No, seriously, what do you want to be?” Thus began a heated conversation between me — the killjoy, Debbie Downer, step-monster — and my sweet, naive step-son.
You see, I’m a dreamer but I’m also a realist. Yes, I wanted to be a lawyer when I grew up, which seemed like a nearly impossible feat on its own considering no one in my family had ever gone to college, much less graduate school. I didn’t insist, however, that I would go to Harvard Law School, graduate first in my class, and work in the White House. I explained to Matthew the long odds of ever becoming an Olympian and how the great majority of athletes do not make the Olympic team, despite immense personal sacrifice and singular devotion to their chosen sport. The more I tried to explain to Matthew the statistical improbability of becoming an Olympian and the need to have a more realistic aspirational goal (such as a collegiate athlete who competes in regional or national track competitions), the more discouraged and defiant he became. “I am going to be an Olympic track star and everyone knows it and believes it, except you!”
Now, at this point in my story, you are probably thinking one of two things. If you are like me, you’re thinking, “Better to let the boy down easy so he won’t set himself up for inevitable failure.” But, if you are of a different mind, you are probably thinking, “Anything is possible. You don’t know the future. Who are you to dash a young boy’s dream?”
All of this got me thinking. I did some research on the odds of a high-school student becoming a track and field Olympian and the odds are something like 1 in 9,000 according to one article I read. 1 in 9,000! That might as well be one in a gazillion as far as I’m concerned. Still, I get where Matthew’s head is at. I really do. In addition to wanting to be a lawyer when I grew up, I also wanted to be a French interpreter to the United Nations and study at the Sorbonne. As an adult, my ultimate dream is to be a published author and see my book on the New York Times Bestsellers List, but I know the odds are 999 to 1 against it. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop writing or stop dreaming of seeing my book on a library shelf, but I’m not going to stake my self-worth on something largely outside of my control.
So, what should we do? Should we encourage a child’s dream to become a famous rock star or professional athlete? Or, should we explain to a child the challenges he will face and suggest that he aspire to a more likely, less lofty alternative in his field of interest? I don’t know what the answer is, but my conversation with Matthew has definitely given me food for thought. In my defense, my heart was in the right place. I hope I did not undermine my good intentions by being too pragmatic. The harsh reality is that everyone’s dreams do not come true. If they did, I would know a whole lot of veterinarians and marine biologists and a busload of astronauts and Hollywood stars. I don’t know a single one. But maybe, just maybe, one day my step-son will be an Olympian.
I certainly hear your heart in that. It’s hard to balance a child’s penchant for imagination and the harsh realities we face in the real world. I will say, however, that 1 in 9,000 sounds pretty awesome to me, that’s like one in three high schools. I starting swimming when I was 15 and I felt like Matthew did. I wanted to be an Olympian. My time in the 50m freestyle was 1 minute when 25 seconds is competitive, but I was dedicated to the task. I swam 3-5 hours a day from then until I was 18. I got down to 1/3 a second off the world record. It was at an Olympic qualifier that I tore my rotator cuff and blew my shot at the Olympics. If I had swum that pace in Athens I would have placed 5th. From my own personal history, I will tell you that it took everyone believing in me for me to do it, too much discouragement and I would have given up. To say in 2002 that I wanted to swim in the 2004 Olympics with the times I had, I’m surprised now that everyone didn’t laugh in my face, but it was because a few people believed in me unreasonably that I got as far as I did. I didn’t swim in Athens, but I never regret any of the work I did for swimming, it instilled in me a ferocious work ethic that has stuck all these years. That’s my 2¢. 🙂 – Kyle
Thanks so much for your perspective, Kyle. I’m going to share what you wrote with Matthew. My main concern with him is that he thinks (in his childish mind) that his whole life would be a waste if he doesn’t make it. I’m trying to say, yes, go ahead and dream big but life is more about the journey than the destination, and having smaller, attainable mini-goals will lead to a longer-lasting happiness (in my humble opinion). Thanks for stopping by my blog. 🙂
That’s a lesson he surely needs to learn. Our Pastor like to say, “the journey is the destination.” If you don’t do it for the experience, you’ll be disappointed no matter how high you go! Love your blog, keep it up, we’ll be first in line to buy your first book 🙂
Thanks, Kyle!!
Kyle, that’s great advice!
You meant well. Ultimately, life itself gives our kids the reality check they need. Our job is to give them a safe place to land when they fall. I tell my kids to follow their dreams. They may have to take a few detours and re-evaluate their goals, periodically, but they will be the ones who will decide if it’s worth it to them. Maybe sit down with Matthew, and research the athletes online. Find out how they got their start. How many hours a day they practiced, what they ate, etc. If he decides to go for it, support him. If he becomes an olympian, great! If he doesn’t, there will be so many life lessons he will learn along the way, and that’s great, too!
Thanks for the insight, Rachel.
I think the quote below is good advice. I did not know Kyle was such a serious swimmer. Good for him. Thought provoking blog.
“Go after what you want in life, with all the blessings of all the people who care about you. And find out what making your wishes come true really feels like.”~ Collin McCarty ~
Just keep on running Matthew…
Let him have his dream. Time will tell. He may not even like track in a few years. Just encourage and support him now.
Great advice. Thanks, Kay.